Are boundaries a foreign concept to you as a Highly Sensitive Person?

Many highly sensitive people were taught in childhood to override their own limits and needs in order to belong, keep the peace, avoid punishment, and/or gain the approval of others. Most of us were conditioned to meet the needs and wants of those around us at the expense of our own. This starts as a survival mechanism early on, as pleasing others may have helped keep us safe emotionally or physically as children. As we grow into adults, the deeply rooted survival mechanism that kept us safe as children begins to work against us. Without being aware of it, we abandon ourselves and end up in relationships or situations where we feel resentful and exhausted.

The Paradox Behind Boundaries

Human beings are wired to seek security. It’s a biological drive. As children, we are inherently dependent on others for our security (security comes from the outside). However, as adults, continuing to seek a sense of security through any external source (people/food/money) eventually leads to disappointment or disillusionment. It doesn’t work beyond meeting basic human survival needs. Even millionaires in good health can struggle with feeling safe and secure. Everything outside of us is outside of our control. It’s therefore futile to seek security through any external means. Safety and security in adulthood can only be found internally.

It isn’t overtly obvious, but denying our own needs, abandoning ourselves, and people-pleasing are driven by unconscious attempts to control other people, outcomes and situations. In the short-term, it might be effective in avoiding conflict or discomfort. In the long-term, this method often backfires. The highly sensitive person will inevitably become resentful, exhausted, miserable, and may withdraw completely from the relationship or the situation. All we have control over as adults are our own choices and behaviors. Safety and security are found within when we can trust ourselves to truly take care of ourselves.

Boundaries Are a Learning Process

It can be rather messy early on. When you’ve been conditioned to have no boundaries, trying to learn how to have them can feel extremely awkward and uncomfortable. You might feel guilt, shame, and/or fear as you start to have more boundaries. This is very common. It does not mean you are doing something wrong; it means you are growing outside of your comfort zone.

As you start to shift how you respond to others, and start to say “no” more often, some of the people around you might not like how you’re changing. After all, they are used to you setting yourself aside for them! You may even lose a friend, a partner, or a job. Of course this can be painful, and some grief is understandable. However, no friend, partner, job or otherwise is worth abandoning yourself for. That’s a recipe for misery. That’s what you’ve been doing, and probably what brought you to this blog.

Much of my work in therapy for highly sensitive people is working on boundaries. This does not mean just stating them, but holding to them, and knowing when to walk away. Boundaries are necessary on every level of being: physical, mental, emotional, psychic and spiritual. Learning how to protect ourselves on each of those levels of being can be a complicated process.

Boundary Prompts and Suggestions for HSPs

Since this is uncharted territory for many highly sensitive people, I have included some language and behavior prompts below. I hope these are useful, and that you can draw on them as you learn how to take responsibility for yourself and your wellbeing.

*Things to keep in mind:

You don’t need to explain or justify yourself. If you have plans with yourself, those are still plans. Keep it simple and honest. Repeat the same phrase or statement if necessary. Or, if all else fails, say “no,” and “I’m going to have to walk away/hang up/leave this conversation now.”

• “I’m unable to join you this time around. Have a great time!”

• “Unfortunately that won’t work for me.”

• “I can’t take that on right now. I’m maxed out.”

• “I’d like to help you, but I’m not available for that request.”

• “I’m unable to contribute this time.”

• “That’s not my thing, but I hope you enjoy yourself!”

• “I’m not available. I’ll let you know if anything changes!”

• “This is not working for me right now. I am going to need to step away.”

• “I’m not okay with (name behavior). If you continue to (behavior), I will need to remove myself.”

• “I need some time to consider. Let me get back to you.”

• “This conversation is not feeling productive. I am going to take some space to process my feelings and better understand what I am needing.”

• “I cannot allow myself to be treated this way.”

• “I’m sorry I’ve upset you. My intention is to respect us both.”

• “I don’t like disappointing you, but my answer still has to be no.”

• “Unfortunately circumstances have changed on my end, and I am no longer available.”

• “I need some time to take care of myself. I’ll get back to you when I’m ready.”

• “I’m going to take a shower/bath/nap/walk. We can talk about this another time.”

• “No.”

• “My answer is still no.”

• Pause before answering or replying. You can also say “I need to think about it.”

• Do not respond, walk away.

• Practice turning off your phone or not checking texts or emails certain hours of the day.

• Take breaks from social media or delete the apps from your phone or computer.

• Take breaks from reading or watching the news.

You’ve got this! I’m rooting for you.

Learn more about my work offering therapy for highly sensitive people.