To “mother” is a verb.

You’ve probably heard of post-partum depression and/or the baby blues. Yet you don’t have to have given birth, be female-bodied, or have a human child to experience the mothering blues.

Mothering is often experienced as the most difficult and rewarding job possible. Meeting the needs of another being can be exhausting, overwhelming, infuriating, painful and irritating as well as sweet and highly meaningful. A vulnerable creature depends on you, and the responsibility involved can come with a whole slew of intense emotional reactions.

We’re often bombarded with messages that mothering is this blissful, beautiful experience. Photos of swaddled adorable babies, precious puppies and kittens and of course the proud, smiling parent or parents. What we don’t often see are the breakdowns, the feelings of hate or regret, the remorse and/or the guilt. I’m here to let you know these painful feelings are normal in reaction to mothering.

Mothering can bring up all sorts of challenging emotions and memories associated with our own experience (or lack thereof) of being mothered. If we weren’t mothered lovingly as children ourselves, it’s more likely we will experience depression and anxiety when mothering. Yet it’s also possible mothering can be a healing experience for the un-mothered, especially if a person can see the sweet innocence of such a vulnerable, need-full being and understand that they were once that; ultimately, to be able to have compassion for their un-mothered self.

Symptoms associated with The Mothering Blues:

• Exacerbated depression

• Exacerbated anxiety

• Obsessive worry about the being you are caring for

• Intrusive thoughts about something bad happening to the being you are caring for

• Fear of hurting or harming the being you are responsible for

• Regret

• Remorse

• Feelings of hating the being you are responsible for

• Exhaustion

• Hopelessness and helplessness

• Irritability

• Anger

• Guilt

• Feeling like a bad mom or care-taker

• Grief around your own experience (or lack thereof) of being mothered

Tips for coping with The Mothering Blues:

• Be compassionate with yourself (most importantly)

• Reach out for support from family and friends or your community

• Join a support group either online or in person (this is where social media can come in handy)

• Take breaks and have someone else take over whenever possible

• See a therapist

• Hire professional help or seek free advice online

• If you feel that you are truly at risk of hurting or harming your baby or the being you are caring for, including through neglect, there is NO SHAME in seeking help or acknowledging that you cannot meet the needs of another being right now. In fact, this might be the greatest act of kindness to both yourself and the being you have been trying to care for. If you need to give them up temporarily or re-home permanently, please do.

Mothering is really, really hard. It can also be the most wonderful, rewarding experience on the planet. I really believe that the more we can mother ourselves, the better able we are to mother others. Mothering ourselves means being patient and compassionate with ourselves, seeking support, honestly acknowledging our limitations, and meeting our own needs.

I offer therapy for women in Oakland, CA, and virtually throughout California.

This blog post was inspired by my experience raising my puppy and co-therapist, Ona.