Grief Impacts Every Level of Our Being

Until we lose someone close to us, or perhaps were faced with a life-threatening illness, we may not have thought much about death and dying (or what it means to grieve). Our culture focuses so much on productivity, youth, and quick fixes, that most of us come unprepared for the physical, mental, emotional, behavioral, social, and spiritual impacts of grief. Much of the time, the bereaved get messages that they are supposed to “get over” their grief and control their emotions, as if there is some “right” way to grieve. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Grief is a perfectly normal part of being human. It is both universal and highly individual.

Ways we might respond to grief can depend on cultural norms, family, religious or spiritual beliefs, and our own unique personal traits or dispositions.

What Might Grief Feel Like?

• Shock/numbness

• Feeling out of control

• Exhaustion/desire or need to sleep more than usual

• Trouble sleeping

• Decreased or increased appetite

• Deep heartache

• Emptiness/loneliness/isolation

• Existential confusion, despair, or heightened existential awareness

• Confusion/disorientation/feeling “between worlds”

• Feeling extra sensitive

• Irritability/anger

• Being blindsided by intense feelings

  Grief can also show up as a mixture of unexpected feelings such as:

• Shame

• Rage

• Relief

• Anxiety/fear/panic

• Depression

• Dissociation

• Joy

• Awe

• Gratitude

  If you’re experiencing anything other than what’s listed above, or having a different kind of grief response, that’s perfectly normal and okay too! Depending on the nature of your loss, culture, or your own unique personality and history, your response might be intensified, delayed, hardly noticeable, or more complicated. It’s also likely to change and shift over time in a non-linear fashion.

  Grief can show up in so many different forms, including:

• Anticipatory grief (experiencing grief before the loss occurs)

• Traumatic grief (may involve some symptoms of PTSD, but particularly focused on the loss)

• Disenfranchised grief (when the grief is unable to be openly acknowledged for real or imagined reasons)

• Complicated grief (when grief is especially debilitating over an extended period of time)

• Delayed grief (when a person’s grief response is put off until a later time)

Contrary to what a lot of people believe, grief does not follow stages or any particular timeline. It’s a fluid, living process that often lasts a lifetime.

No matter how much you might wish you could, you cannot rush through your grief or avoid it. It will surface in different ways. It’s important to learn how to lean into your grief, like you might lean into a wave in the ocean so as not to get knocked over. You are less likely to drown in your grief if you learn how to enter into it, and swim with purpose.

Tips for Coping with Grief

• Do your best to meet your basic needs for nutrition, exercise, bathing, connection, and extra rest. It’s common for these things to feel hard at first, but are more helpful than one might think.

• Express it. This doesn’t have to be by talking. Art, dance, other forms of movement, writing, music, ritual all help to express grief and allow it to move.

• Reach for support. Sometimes we just need someone to listen without trying to fix it.

• Is there a place you find peaceful where you’re able to connect to something greater than yourself? This could be somewhere in nature, a garden, church or temple, wildlife preserve, etc.

• You might want to keep a list of people you find helpful, and ways they can help. Sometimes practical help makes a big difference like having your laundry done, the house cleaned, meals brought to you, dog walked, etc. If you’re lucky, you might have people in your life doing these things without you having to ask.

• Seek community. Humans weren’t meant to grieve alone. Grief circles and groups are often free or low cost. Please see the list of resources at the bottom of my FAQ page.

This post is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to understanding the vast topic of grief. If you would like to explore grief counseling with me, please contact me.